Lay eggs, much?

The voyeur is trying something new.  I am actually blogging while I watch.  Revolutionary, I know.

As I type, my husband is playing Modern Warfare 3 with both the TV audio and his headphones on.  I have been told that, yes, he is also listening to the game through the headphones and that, yes, he knows how silly this must seem. 

I like watching the game more than Battlefield 3, but probably only because I am familiar with the Call of Duty family of games.  Can I refer to a series of games as a family?  Or is that too domestic of me?  I will try to turn down the estrogen just a bit.  This is a very manly moment after all.

I will try to talk to my husband anyway:

So, honey, why are you listening to the game in this seemingly redundant way?
well, so...so, you...you can hear the game some.  I don't want you to be completely left out.  And, then uh, plus, uh I can turn it on as loud as...as I want.  <geeked out grin>

Is it difficult for you to talk to me and play at the same time?
<shakes head, lifts one headphone off ear a tiny bit>
I'll probably turn it down some.  (does not turn it down.  I step away.)

Hmm, I have just returned to the video game viewing room and it seems my husband is now playing Skyrim.  In the time that it took me to clear my dinner dishes (leftover barbeque chicken, raw broccoli with ranch dressing and cheetos...do I know how to rock the five food groups or what?) he has switched over to roll playing game mode.  The headphones are neatly holstered and his feet are up on the couch.  Roll playing games such as Skyrim do not require the intense video game playing position.  Did he dim the lights??

Furthermore, what is a Skyrim any way?  It sounds like a step below the mile high club. 

So, as I have intimated, there is a lot of video gaming going on 'round here.  'Tis the season.  Battlefield 3, Modern Warfare 3, Arkham City, and Skyrim have all graced our console this week with the new Saints Row on its way, stay tuned.  I can't say that I mind especially after that stupid game my stupid Ravens just played.

Don't get me wrong, I am no hater.  I am still a true fan.  But, if a cheeseburger makes me throw up I have the right to call it a stupid cheeseburger no matter how faithful I am to cheeseburgers.  Can I get an amen? 

Can you tell me how to get?

I need to lighten up.  I've been in a pretty serious mood lately.  For instance, the other day I discovered my seven month old mesmerized by a television screen lit up with loud, ammunition filled gaming.  I became internally furious immediately.

However, how is this any different than me sitting the same seven month old down in front of some beeping, flashing, spasm inducing baby piano while I read a magazine on the couch?

Well, ok, maybe the guns and the blood...

But to her its all movement and light and sound and baby groovy.  She was being entertained.  She was sitting there for five minutes.  We parents were taking a wee break.  I won't bother to defend our parenting here because if you know us, and most of you do, you know us.  And, if you don't know us, your loss.

Which somehow brings me to Elmo.  My toddler is going to be Elmo for Halloween.  When she asked for this privilege, there was no hesitation.   I actually like Elmo.  So, I was happy to buy my little one the costume from Target and encourage her to pretend to be Elmo while riding her tricycle.

Here is where I hesitate: do I encourage her to "become" Elmo in Once Upon a Monster?

My husband and I don't even own Kinect for the 360 (though I feel its purchase may be imminent).  It's just something I have been thinking about:  Kids (little ones like ours) and gaming. 

While, yes, we should limit the amount of violent gaming our tiny girls witness to virtually none, what about other games, especially those designed for them?  What about Once Upon a Monster?  On one hand, I am excited for my husband to introduce gaming to our eldest.  It would be something for them to share.  It would be a new way to pass a rainy day.  She might even advance her coordination and stimulate her brain.    

On the other hand, I worry it might be too soon.  When she started watching Sesame Street on TV,  I knew there would be no going back, but she was two years old and I knew it was time.  With video games I am not so sure.  Will "playing" Sesame Street be her gateway game?  Will she want to do nothing else?  Are first person shooters next?  Will she become obese?  Depressed?  Sit in dark rooms and fester, full of angst?

As I said, I need to lighten up. 

Kevin Clash, the genius puppeteer behind Elmo, describes the red furry monster as being all about love.  As a parent, I think you can positively share most anything with your children as long as it is done in love.  This includes video games.  And so, I foresee a neon green case (and a Kinect) hung by the chimney with care.  But, for now, Happy Halloween everyone.  Play safe.  Play in love.  Like Elmo.

 

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes...

Marriage changes everything, well, except for one thing.  Marriage does not change who you were before you got married.  This may sound promising to all you negative nuptial nancies out there.  However, all this means is that you were one person before you got married and now you are someone else.

Even if you agree on the correct way to fold socks you now fold your socks in the company of another.  Instead of lounging on your bean bag chair, drooling cup o' noodles on your boxers while rolling socks in front of Family Guy, you will now be relaxing on your duvet, sipping herbal tea in your slippers while rolling socks in front of reality TV.  Life will never be the same.

It will be better.

My husband and I have a dear friend, the best man at our wedding, who, for the sake of this blog I will refer to as "The Raptor".  The Raptor is getting married himself in a few short days.  We are both very excited and, no, not just because those will be our first nights away since baby #2.

Even though he has been accused of being "too cheap to buy, so he only rents and then beats it all weekend" and plays games "shrieking like a schoolgirl", The Raptor is a gamer all the same.  Sadly, there is a double standard when it comes to past times and romantic relationships.  Women can hot glue who knows what to who knows what else until the cows come home, but if a guy wants to play a few video games now and again he is an immature home wrecker.

My husband remains somewhat positive, "The Raptor is getting married.  Hopefully this will translate into more gaming.  Once he started dating his fiance, all his Xbox time went from gaming to 'watching Netflix'.  As I know, 'watching Netflix' tapers off significantly after a few months of marriage."

Another married in his gaming circle feels differently, "The Raptor has moved into the next phase of gaming, which is NOT gaming.  Virtual friendships wither and die, hand-eye coordination takes a turn for the worst, and sniping skills aren't what they used to be.  Bridge club is next."

A third hitched buddy upholds The Raptor's gaming reputation, "He's meticulous, methodical, sneaky, and a little bit blood-thirsty.  He enjoys taking his time and paying attention to detail as long as there is a tempestuous climax.  My advice to him?  Take it to the bedroom."

Sorry Rap, there is a "but."  And here it is... 

"When the honeymoon is over and the dew is off the pumpkin (or something like that), 'gaming' may not be as frequent as you had once thought to be reasonable.  Just remember you can always play with your Game Boy.  Classic fun."

My professional thoughts on the issue?  All married couples have at least one thing to which all their arguments boil down.  Do not make that issue gaming or hot glue.  Yes, two do become one, but the original "ones" do not become none.  Respect eachother's interests and sometimes play together.  Maybe there is money, or enjoyment, or at least a laugh in video game themed crafts, for example.  X and Y button cufflinks anyone?

All this to say,  I am very happy for The Raptor.  He more than deserves all the love and excitement his marriage will undoubtedly bring.  I wish him and his soon to be wife a heap of happiness.  In fact, now that I think about it, I wish them "50 grand peas" worth.

Just another day in paradise

Let me set the scene for you: It's a weekday, say Tuesday, at around 1:30 p.m.  I have successfully orchestrated the day so that the girls are both napping and I have a few minutes to myself to, I don't know, fold laundry and eat lunch.  I decide to watch some Gilmore Girls to unwind.  I approach the 360 and open the tray and then BAM!, like a whammy the Gears of War 3 skull of death icon on the game's disc slaps me in the face. 
So scary.

A similar moment plays out in the evening, say later that same day, at around 8:30 p.m.   My husband and I now, thanks to the little ones sharing a 7:30 bedtime, have the living room to ourselves to, I don't know, play video games and write blogs.  He decides to play some Gears to unwind.  He approaches the 360 and opens the tray and then La la la la la la, there is the beautiful Lauren Graham gazing longingly on the show's disc to bring a smile to his face. 
So sexy.

Life is not fair.

What is fair is that while my husband plays Gears, which is so beautiful it is ugly, he wears his groovy new headset.  While I am no prude, this game has no filter.  It is loud and crass and relentless just like me...wait.

Anyway, as I was saying, the dialogue leaves much to be desired which I suppose may be part of the game's charm.  I do, however, enjoy reading it quite a bit.  See, my husband wears the headset, but the game still shows subtitles.  It is my own personal MST 3000.  I also play, "things you never want to hear your husband say" while I watch.  Examples:

"That was nasty.  Let's move out."
"Yeah, imagine if you had to root around for parts all the time."
"Spread out and keep moving!"

Yikes.

In short, I would rather just listen to this video game on tape, but that is so 1989.

Do your ears hang low?

As I type this, my husband is playing video games AND participating in a conference call for work.  Hot.  That's right ladies...did I mention he is also 6'1"?

In his defense (and I always am), he has worked long hours all week and he is mostly just listening in on the call.  Plus, Gears of War 3 just came out yesterday.  A man's gotta be a man.

I haven't watched much of Gears yet, but I have watched quite a bit of Deus Ex: Human Revolution.  Please forgive me, I couldn't figure out how to make a groovy little triangle on my computer to make the "A" in Human.  Besides, aren't the triangles the bad guys?  This confuses me.

Another fault I have related to this game is my inability to say the game's name correctly.  I insist on calling it "Deuce Ex."  In fact, I don't think I have ever called it anything else.  Despite the fact that it sounds like a laxative, I think I prefer my name.  What the deuce is a "deus" anyway?

I like watching "Deuce."  I especially like when my husband approaches the game all sneaky pete like.  Apparently, that is one of the perks of this game.  It can suit your mood.  If you want to go at it guns a blazin, you can.  Or, if you want to take it slow and try to go unseen you can do that too.  Variety is always a bonus in my book.

This is the first I have seen of Deus Ex.  I look forward to seeing more.  From the look of these "hold" icons the game is well endowed.  And I have heard it can take awhile to load.  Hilarious.  Am I the only one who notices these things?!?

You'll shoot your eye out

As you know, I contemplated purchasing a PS3 for my husband for his birthday.  But, I just couldn't go through with it.  It felt wrong.  I don't buy video game consoles.  He doesn't expect me to.  He doesn't buy tampons.  I don't expect him to.  There are lines in a lasting marriage, for Pete's sake. 

So, instead I bought him The Turtle Beach Earforce PX5 Programmable Wireless Headset with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time.  He likes it.

You may think I am a clever voyeur who deeply understands the needs of her husband, but you would be wrong.  He emailed me a link for the headset with the subject line "options."  I did, however, find it cheaper on Amazon and scored my free two-day Primal Mom shipping.  I put in some effort.  And I wrapped it.  Happy birthday, baby.

The problem is that while my husband attentively sits and plays in absolute Dolby delight, I am relegated to the sidelines.  The game world has opened up for him.  It is fresh, exciting and full of hope.  With each new footstep or gun cock comes a quickening of his heart.  He never knew the game could sound like this.  Ah, love. 

Meanwhile, I sit slumped on the couch, gazing back and forth between him and the game, the game and him.  I try to read his expression, the words on the screen, anything to get a clue of what is going on.  I try to ask a question, make a joke, but it is no use.  He can not hear me.  I take a swig of beer and sigh.  I feel defeated, tossed aside.  Alone.

But just as I rise to tromp upstairs, my husband turns to me and smiles.  "Hey babe," he says a little louder than he probably meant to.  I awkwardly act as if I was merely adjusting my position on the couch.  I smile back.  He slides the earphone closest to me just a bit off the lobe, sends me an air kiss and turns back to the screen.  An invitation.

Top 9 reasons I have not blogged in 3 weeks

9. Beer.
There is always beer in the house, but not MY beer.  I don't need beer to be witty, but it helps.  And motivates.
8. Vacation.
We had a lovely time on Lake George with the extended fam.  However, I feel like I could still use a vacation.  Funny how that works. 
7. Rice cereal.
I forgot how messy and time consuming spoon feeding an infant could be.  And how similar to cement baby rice cereal mixed with formula can become.
6. Hurricane.
We only lost power for 48 hours and thankfully still had hot water.  The true tragedy was that we lost internet and cable for 120 hours.  I am still trembling a bit from the shock.
5. Earthquake.
Ok..., so this contributed in no way to my lack of blogging.  It just seemed like the appropriate follow up to number 6. 
4. The Social Network.
We watched part of this movie before we lost power and then finished it once it was regained.  If this blog isn't going to make me the second youngest billionaire...
3. Elders.
Yup, as in church elders.  I just realized half of the elder team at my church publicly follows my blog and I know another reads it regularly.  Don't worry, this will in no way decrease the sauciness of my posts.  But, it has made me spend valuable blogging time considering whether or not to move to a church with more mature leadership.
2. Candlelight.
Yes, I know I already mentioned the blackout.  But, the candlelight left a lasting impression.  At first, my husband and I played a game of Scrabble to pass the time.  Then we played "a game of Scrabble" to pass the time.  (eh hem) "Scrabble" by candlelight is a lost art.  Even after the power returned we chose "Scrabble." 
1. The hubs
You may gasp and ask, how could this be?!?!  How could my AVG be the reason for my blogglessness?  Well, frankly, he hasn't been gaming with any regularity.  Please refer to numbers 8, 7, 6, 5 and 2.  and 2 again.  and 2 again.  and...