Wednesday, September 7, 2011

You'll shoot your eye out

As you know, I contemplated purchasing a PS3 for my husband for his birthday.  But, I just couldn't go through with it.  It felt wrong.  I don't buy video game consoles.  He doesn't expect me to.  He doesn't buy tampons.  I don't expect him to.  There are lines in a lasting marriage, for Pete's sake. 

So, instead I bought him The Turtle Beach Earforce PX5 Programmable Wireless Headset with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time.  He likes it.

You may think I am a clever voyeur who deeply understands the needs of her husband, but you would be wrong.  He emailed me a link for the headset with the subject line "options."  I did, however, find it cheaper on Amazon and scored my free two-day Primal Mom shipping.  I put in some effort.  And I wrapped it.  Happy birthday, baby.

The problem is that while my husband attentively sits and plays in absolute Dolby delight, I am relegated to the sidelines.  The game world has opened up for him.  It is fresh, exciting and full of hope.  With each new footstep or gun cock comes a quickening of his heart.  He never knew the game could sound like this.  Ah, love. 

Meanwhile, I sit slumped on the couch, gazing back and forth between him and the game, the game and him.  I try to read his expression, the words on the screen, anything to get a clue of what is going on.  I try to ask a question, make a joke, but it is no use.  He can not hear me.  I take a swig of beer and sigh.  I feel defeated, tossed aside.  Alone.

But just as I rise to tromp upstairs, my husband turns to me and smiles.  "Hey babe," he says a little louder than he probably meant to.  I awkwardly act as if I was merely adjusting my position on the couch.  I smile back.  He slides the earphone closest to me just a bit off the lobe, sends me an air kiss and turns back to the screen.  An invitation.


  1. Cute.

    Not to pull you too far away from your voyeurism, but I really do not want your brain to rot in the silent room, therefore I suggest "Middlesex" by Jeffrey Eugenides...I am almost rocks!

    When Zach uses his headset, your blog could transform into a book, movie, news commentary review type thing-y.

    Is it obvious that I am not a video game voyeur at heart?

  2. This is concerning. How much will your voyeurism be affected by lack of audio? The hundreds of followers of this blog could therefore suffer. Zach needs to consider these things when asking for birthday presents. Think of the blog followers!!

  3. Let me clear some things up. Headphone-accessorized playing will not be the typical situation. Under normal circumstances (like last night), games will be played at an acceptable volume with the tv audio.

    The headphones are really for when my voyeur is not around (read: in bed). That way, I can play at whatever volume I choose and not keep her up. The danger, as was alluded, is that I will speak far too loud when chatting with friends through the headset.

    This happened last year with my previous, very inferior, headphones. I was obliviously chatting away. She came down the stairs, bleary-eyed. I did not know because I could not hear anything other than gunfire. She scared the ever-loving crap out of me.

  4. A-ha. My fears have now been put to rest, thank you.