Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Just another day in paradise

Let me set the scene for you: It's a weekday, say Tuesday, at around 1:30 p.m.  I have successfully orchestrated the day so that the girls are both napping and I have a few minutes to myself to, I don't know, fold laundry and eat lunch.  I decide to watch some Gilmore Girls to unwind.  I approach the 360 and open the tray and then BAM!, like a whammy the Gears of War 3 skull of death icon on the game's disc slaps me in the face. 
So scary.

A similar moment plays out in the evening, say later that same day, at around 8:30 p.m.   My husband and I now, thanks to the little ones sharing a 7:30 bedtime, have the living room to ourselves to, I don't know, play video games and write blogs.  He decides to play some Gears to unwind.  He approaches the 360 and opens the tray and then La la la la la la, there is the beautiful Lauren Graham gazing longingly on the show's disc to bring a smile to his face. 
So sexy.

Life is not fair.

What is fair is that while my husband plays Gears, which is so beautiful it is ugly, he wears his groovy new headset.  While I am no prude, this game has no filter.  It is loud and crass and relentless just like me...wait.

Anyway, as I was saying, the dialogue leaves much to be desired which I suppose may be part of the game's charm.  I do, however, enjoy reading it quite a bit.  See, my husband wears the headset, but the game still shows subtitles.  It is my own personal MST 3000.  I also play, "things you never want to hear your husband say" while I watch.  Examples:

"That was nasty.  Let's move out."
"Yeah, imagine if you had to root around for parts all the time."
"Spread out and keep moving!"


In short, I would rather just listen to this video game on tape, but that is so 1989.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Do your ears hang low?

As I type this, my husband is playing video games AND participating in a conference call for work.  Hot.  That's right ladies...did I mention he is also 6'1"?

In his defense (and I always am), he has worked long hours all week and he is mostly just listening in on the call.  Plus, Gears of War 3 just came out yesterday.  A man's gotta be a man.

I haven't watched much of Gears yet, but I have watched quite a bit of Deus Ex: Human Revolution.  Please forgive me, I couldn't figure out how to make a groovy little triangle on my computer to make the "A" in Human.  Besides, aren't the triangles the bad guys?  This confuses me.

Another fault I have related to this game is my inability to say the game's name correctly.  I insist on calling it "Deuce Ex."  In fact, I don't think I have ever called it anything else.  Despite the fact that it sounds like a laxative, I think I prefer my name.  What the deuce is a "deus" anyway?

I like watching "Deuce."  I especially like when my husband approaches the game all sneaky pete like.  Apparently, that is one of the perks of this game.  It can suit your mood.  If you want to go at it guns a blazin, you can.  Or, if you want to take it slow and try to go unseen you can do that too.  Variety is always a bonus in my book.

This is the first I have seen of Deus Ex.  I look forward to seeing more.  From the look of these "hold" icons the game is well endowed.  And I have heard it can take awhile to load.  Hilarious.  Am I the only one who notices these things?!?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

You'll shoot your eye out

As you know, I contemplated purchasing a PS3 for my husband for his birthday.  But, I just couldn't go through with it.  It felt wrong.  I don't buy video game consoles.  He doesn't expect me to.  He doesn't buy tampons.  I don't expect him to.  There are lines in a lasting marriage, for Pete's sake. 

So, instead I bought him The Turtle Beach Earforce PX5 Programmable Wireless Headset with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time.  He likes it.

You may think I am a clever voyeur who deeply understands the needs of her husband, but you would be wrong.  He emailed me a link for the headset with the subject line "options."  I did, however, find it cheaper on Amazon and scored my free two-day Primal Mom shipping.  I put in some effort.  And I wrapped it.  Happy birthday, baby.

The problem is that while my husband attentively sits and plays in absolute Dolby delight, I am relegated to the sidelines.  The game world has opened up for him.  It is fresh, exciting and full of hope.  With each new footstep or gun cock comes a quickening of his heart.  He never knew the game could sound like this.  Ah, love. 

Meanwhile, I sit slumped on the couch, gazing back and forth between him and the game, the game and him.  I try to read his expression, the words on the screen, anything to get a clue of what is going on.  I try to ask a question, make a joke, but it is no use.  He can not hear me.  I take a swig of beer and sigh.  I feel defeated, tossed aside.  Alone.

But just as I rise to tromp upstairs, my husband turns to me and smiles.  "Hey babe," he says a little louder than he probably meant to.  I awkwardly act as if I was merely adjusting my position on the couch.  I smile back.  He slides the earphone closest to me just a bit off the lobe, sends me an air kiss and turns back to the screen.  An invitation.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Top 9 reasons I have not blogged in 3 weeks

9. Beer.
There is always beer in the house, but not MY beer.  I don't need beer to be witty, but it helps.  And motivates.
8. Vacation.
We had a lovely time on Lake George with the extended fam.  However, I feel like I could still use a vacation.  Funny how that works. 
7. Rice cereal.
I forgot how messy and time consuming spoon feeding an infant could be.  And how similar to cement baby rice cereal mixed with formula can become.
6. Hurricane.
We only lost power for 48 hours and thankfully still had hot water.  The true tragedy was that we lost internet and cable for 120 hours.  I am still trembling a bit from the shock.
5. Earthquake.
Ok..., so this contributed in no way to my lack of blogging.  It just seemed like the appropriate follow up to number 6. 
4. The Social Network.
We watched part of this movie before we lost power and then finished it once it was regained.  If this blog isn't going to make me the second youngest billionaire...
3. Elders.
Yup, as in church elders.  I just realized half of the elder team at my church publicly follows my blog and I know another reads it regularly.  Don't worry, this will in no way decrease the sauciness of my posts.  But, it has made me spend valuable blogging time considering whether or not to move to a church with more mature leadership.
2. Candlelight.
Yes, I know I already mentioned the blackout.  But, the candlelight left a lasting impression.  At first, my husband and I played a game of Scrabble to pass the time.  Then we played "a game of Scrabble" to pass the time.  (eh hem) "Scrabble" by candlelight is a lost art.  Even after the power returned we chose "Scrabble." 
1. The hubs
You may gasp and ask, how could this be?!?!  How could my AVG be the reason for my blogglessness?  Well, frankly, he hasn't been gaming with any regularity.  Please refer to numbers 8, 7, 6, 5 and 2.  and 2 again.  and 2 again.  and...